"What? You were told what?" L. demanded!

" You have got to be kidding me! " L. blurted out in disbelief.  

Shocked, L. continued to listen intently to her young friend explain why she had called her.  B. was extremely agitated and upset as she tried to tell L. how her latest appointment had gone.

  B. was a young single mother who had asked L. to help her with her legal issues involving child services and although L. was reluctant at first she had agreed to advocate and support B. as best she could during that time.  Listening to her young friend slowly unravel during that phone call sparked a fire within and as she heard B. take a breath L. quickly assured her that everything would be fine.

When B. finished her rant L. again, reassured her friend that things would be okay and the two ladies made arrangements to meet at L.'s the following morning for coffee and a chat.  It did take some convincing on L.'s part to calm B., but satisfied her friend would make it through the night without a melt down L. said her goodbyes and shut off her phone before allowing the conversation she had just had with B. settle in her head. 

  So much to process L. mussed as she headed for the comfort of her living room and the rocking chair that was her special spot.  Her dog greeted her as she settled on the rocking chair and a quick pet had Spit happy and content enough to curl up by L.'s feet.  L. began to rock back and forth slowly as she allowed every word B. said  completely sink in.  She felt betrayed and shocked as she rocked and thought about the words B. repeated.  Words she had long ago erased from her life hoping to never hear them again.

  As she rocked in her happy place L. began to open her mind to the memories she had long ago buried.

She reflected on her own past with child services and all of the work she had done to ensure crap like that which B. had been told would never appear in her life again. Personal private information that was long ago deemed historically inaccurate by the very services B. was dealing with.  The very people who had done a background and criminal check on L. before giving their permission for L. to become B.'s advocate and support. 

  As confusing as it was for L. she knew her friend was the one who would be more confused and it was B. who needed L.'s help not the other way around.  All the incentive she needed L. muttered to herself as she continued her rocking.  Allowing the momentum of the chair to sooth her L. used her time to plan out how she would handle B.'s latest news.  She could spend the next few days guessing the motives of the child services' workers L. realized, but that was not going to help B.  L.'s experiences from the past had enabled her to assist B. with her parenting skills, her interactions with the workers assigned to her case along with supervising B.'s visits with her little one.  They had lawyers meetings and court dates together and not once did L. allow her past to cloud her judgement which made the latest news all the more messed up L. thought as she stopped her chair and stood up.   L. stretched and glanced at the clock as she walked toward the kitchen with Spit following close behind her.  L. realized she had spent three hours in her chair and quickly began preparing the evening meal when Spit began scratching  at the door to be let out.  L. slipped her frozen dinner in the oven before opening the door for Spit and decided to join the dog outside while her meal cooked. She lit a smoke and began tossing a ball for Spit.  Watching her dog enjoy catching the ball made L. smile and she forgot the negative for a few minutes but just as fast, L.'s mind bounced right back to the days events with B. Butting her smoke L. looked over at Spit and motioned towards the door.

  She ate in silence that night, reflecting on the present day and those days from her past.  L. would see B. the next day and as she prepared for bed she reminded herself that it was all for B. and B.'s child.  L. was a strong woman and over the years her strength had been put to the test so she knew the situation with B. and the child services workers would not be the downfall of that strength.  With that thought L. retired for the night with Spit right by her side.

  Bright and early the next morning L. woke up feeling more tired than rested. Her night was a restless one as those memories she had buried long ago began battling for release from the prison she had built for them.  A place in her mind where she had hoped they would have stayed with no chance or reason for release.   As tired as she felt L. wasted no time in her morning routine and was dressed and her bed was made before she headed to the kitchen.  In the kitchen L. placed the kettle full of water on the stove and turned on the burner before going outside with Spit.  

  L. allowed the warmth of the early morning sun to relax her as Spit went about her morning business.  L. didn't stay outside for long then as she had a load of laundry to start and a job to get to. While the dog remained outside L. returned to the kitchen and loaded the washing machine.  Just as she closed the lid  her kettle began to whistle away.  L. quickly made herself an instant coffee and while the washing machine whirled away she returned to the back yard.  She sipped her coffee and lit a cigarette, inhaling between sips of coffee.  L. finished her smoke quickly and downing the remainder of her coffee retreated back inside calling the dog to join her.

  L. filled Spit's food and water dishes, gave her a pet and left for work at her usual time.  She walked the six blocks to work in less than fifteen minutes and once she let herself into the pub L. set to work immediately.  Staff would be arriving at the pub by nine and customers would begin to peter in around eleven giving L. a time frame for having the place cleaned and ready.  Washrooms were cleaned first and as L. worked her memories peaked out from their prison but she was fast to stifle them while she performed her duties at the pub.  She had kept her past to herself because it was her past and not a past she felt she should advertise to her young friend, B.  As she completed her cleaning and began putting her equipment away L. realized that she was going to have to discuss her past involvement with the child service's organizations.  A realization she was not enthusiastic about but L. was not a person who gave up or backed down when she knew she had done nothing wrong.  That morning L. knew who had done something wrong and she knew exactly what she had to do to continue her support for her friend B.

  L. was back home and had the load of laundry hung on the clothesline by ten o'clock.  L. expected her friend B. would be arriving shortly so she started the coffee maker.  B. liked perked coffee so L. had prepared everything the previous night and was left with only the task of flicking a switch.  It wasn't long and the aroma of fresh brewed coffee began to fill the tiny kitchen.  L. checked on the dog before placing two mugs, a spoon, cream and sugar on the counter beside the fresh pot of coffee.  Just as the last drip fell B. was knocking on L.'s back door.  L. turned and motioned for B. to enter pointing at the counter as B. opened the sliding door.

  B. gratefully accepted a mug from L. and once the ladies had made their coffees they went outside to enjoy the sunshine and warmth of the morning.  They sat outside and smoked while enjoying the antics of Spit.  Once the cigarettes were out the two women went inside and withdrew to L.'s living room taking their coffees with them.  It was there, in L.'s living room, that B. began to vent her frustrations about her latest turn of events.  It was very clear to L. that B. was getting beyond frustrated.  L. had been helping B. learn ways to express her frustrations and not get angry with her workers.  L. knew anger towards any child services worker would be deemed very very bad for B.  Child service workers were good at being angry toward some clients but the client was never to be angry or show their frustrations in any negative way  L. remembered from her experiences and she had passed that on to B.

  L. spoke calmly and directly to B. once B. had finished her rant encouraging her young friend to relax and instead of leaving to make her phone call to her lawyer, L. suggested she make the call from her living room.  L. quickly explained to B. the things she knew and how B. really had nothing to worry about, from her point of view.  L. knew she was no lawyer but she did know things.  Lots of things and it was those things that she kept private that were going to change the outcome of B.'s involvement and case with the child services organization.  Those were L.'s thoughts as she sat there with B. preparing  to call her lawyer.  B. had already finished her coffee when the call was answered by D.'s secretary.  Within a few seconds on hold the lawyers' familiar voice came on the line.  B. quickly informed D. that L. was present and the phone was on speaker.  B. then proceeded to tell her lawyer how her last appointment with the child service's worker went and what she had been told.  L. remained silent while B. spoke to her lawyer and when B. finished explaining everything to D. she leaned back and relaxed a bit as the two lady's waited for D. to respond.

  D.'s voice came back over the silence jolting L. in her chair.  D. wanted to know if L. could confirm the story B. was told and if she had proof of the details that were shared with B.  L. assured him that indeed she did have physical proof in the form of her copies of the child services' files she had accessed from Freedom of Information and Privacy Act as well as her own detailed journals and notes from her past.  D. requested L. get the papers to him as quickly as possible.   B. was told information she should not have been told and L. could prove that with the files she had packed away many years before.  The files and journals were in her old steam trunk where she had put them over a decade before.  L. had kept the files for all those years and only she knew the reasons why and it sure wasn't for B. and her current circumstances L. mussed to herself as D. continued to advise B. and L. on their next steps.

  D. made the lady's  appointments for the following week to discuss the information that had been given to B. by her workers and instructed the women to keep quite about everything talked about.  He told B. to keep her weekend visit with her child and although the child services revoked L.'s involvement it would be best to comply for the time being D. suggested.  Of course L. would bow out and comply if it meant B. would still get to see her little one L. assured them both.  Wishing the lady's a good day D. said his goodbyes reminding L. to drop off the papers for him to read over before hanging up.

Once the call was over L. and B. went back outside for a smoke before B. had to leave.  The dog was excited to have some attention from the women and was soon carrying her ball for them to throw.  They smoked their cigarettes and L. tossed the ball a few times for Spit before saying good bye to B. for the weekend.  L. promised B. they could get together on Monday after her job and after B.'s weekend with her child.  L. watched B. head down the back alley before turning her attentions back to Spit and her ball.  A couple of hours of play time with her dog went by quickly that afternoon and as L. removed the dried clothes from the clothesline and folded them she decided it was time for some television and a snack.  L. headed inside and placing the basket of folded laundry on top of the washing machine she grabbed a bag of chips from the counter and called for Spit to join her inside .

  Once L. and Spit were comfortable on the couch she hit the remote and turned the television on just in time for "Two and a Half Men".  Opening the chips L. turned her attention to the show and although she knew she would be going over her past and digging through her trunk to retrieve the papers B.'s lawyer needed L. decided she would deal with that after some tv time.  At least that was L.'s plan as she forgot the show and started thinking about everything B.'s lawyer and B. had talked about.  

  L. was calm while she munched on her chips and allowed herself to remember the crap from her parenting days that she had truly hoped she'd never have to dig up little own explain to another.  It had been well over fifteen years since her family had grown up and moved on in their lives.  All that time the paper work L. had packed away had never been unpacked or disturbed by any one.  L. had kept the files and paperwork because of the past and as she sat there munching her chips and stroking Spit's head she smiled at those reason.

  Forgetting was not a skill L. practiced as forgiving had always been her go to move and on that day, sitting there, quietly, calmly remembering she wondered how many more times she would be called upon to forgive.  To forgive those in power who wield their power with no accountability when they themselves are in the wrong.  Forgiveness had always been a given with L. as she had been raised that way and it suited her fine.  L. knew her life was so much better when she forgave others because it allowed her to move forward in her life happier and healthier.  Not being weighted down by anger or dwelling on the hardships she struggled with when her family was a young family had allowed them all to grow and move on with their individual lives.  

  On the couch that day L. tried to piece together the motives behind B.'s worker's and the child services' people and although she did have her opinions she did not dwell on them at that time.  L. was more interested in relaxing than thinking but after awhile on the couch she drifted again towards her past and the memories she had stored away both in her head and in the old trunk.  L.'s memories' of those years gone by were as sharp that day as they were when she had to live them and as she closed her eyes L. allowed herself to go back in time to a place that held no peace for her.

 

  With eyes closed L. found herself in the old one bedroom apartment she had rented in the late nineties after a cross country trip with her young family.  It was there, she remembered, where the worse of things began.  

  L. had been expecting the child care worker to show up at two o'clock that afternoon and had her tiny apartment cleaned and organized just as she did every day.  L.'s children were in school and day care for the day  which L. was grateful for as she didn't want the young ones to hear anything the worker and her had to discuss.

  The worker arrived promptly at two o'clock but the arrival was not a pleasant one for L.  The worker didn't knock as most people would knock, instead the worker beat on L.'s apartment door as if the entire building was on fire.  Nervous and a little scared L. approached the door and before she could open it completely the worker shoved past her as she entered L.'s apartment.  Taken aback L. closed her apartment door and watched the stranger scan her kitchen while making her way to the kitchen table.  The worker introduced herself to L. and motioned for the two of them to sit and talk.  The worker called herself T. and before sitting the woman dug a thick stack of papers from her briefcase and placed the pile on the table in front of herself.  L. said nothing as she took her seat across from the worker, instead she just watched the woman.  

  T. settled herself in her chair before opening the pages on the table and lit into L. like there was no tomorrow.  T. explained, in no uncertain terms, just exactly how things would play out for L. and her young family, including L.'s unborn child.  L. was five months pregnant when T. sat across from her that afternoon and proceeded to berate L. for having the nerve to try and bring another child into the world.  T. talked down to L. siting poverty and no husband as two good reasons for L. not to be pregnant.  T. continued her verbal torrent over the course of that first appointment demeaning, belittling, and even threatening L. with child removal.  L. listened without speaking but on the inside her heart was breaking and her stomach was doing flip flops.   L. didn't understand T.'s anger that day but she knew enough to keep her mouth shut while the worker said her piece.  After an hour and a half T. finally packed up her briefcase and before leaving L.'s apartment she reminded L., for the third time, that she was to attend every single appointment the child services' set up for her and her children.  T. had also made L. sign some forms stating she, L., would comply with all the instructions and rules from the child services' organization and their workers during their involvement in L.'s life.

  L. had signed the forms and kept her composure during that appointment and as T. headed for the door L. remained silent hoping the worker would just leave and say nothing more to her.  L.  refused to engage with T. and after the way the woman entered her apartment L. figured she could say or do nothing that would make the stranger respect her so L.'s guard went up.  T. left L.'s apartment with a quick goodbye.  L. said nothing in return to T. as she shut the apartment door behind the departing worker.  L. walked back to her kitchen table in shock and confusion and as she sunk back into her chair her tears could not be stopped.  L. cried then, allowing her feelings to flow with the tide of tears, down her checks  dripping onto the table in front of her.  She let it all out then knowing she had to pull herself together before her two little ones got home.

  The appointment with T. had been one of the worse L. had ever experienced she thought to herself as she stood up and prepared to wipe her tears from the table.  L. thought of all the things T. had said and as smart as she was L. could not understand the behaviors and actions T. displayed that day.  L. wondered what it could have been that she did to cause so much animosity and anger from a complete stranger.  It had been L. herself who had called the child services organization hoping to gain support for her oldest child who was exhibiting behavioral challenges at school.  Services for children with behavioral problems cost more money than L. had back then and on the advice of her best friend L. called the one organization out there that proclaimed to be there for children and families.  The child services' organization L. had phoned was meant to fund counselling for L.'s child not condemn her for reasons she wasn't privy to L. reminded herself as she made the days after school snack and started the prep for the families evening meal.

  After that first appointment with T.  L. attended many meetings, took two more parenting courses, took her oldest to therapy and play groups and looked after her home and second born.  L. complied with every thing T. and child services demanded of her and during it all she kept her inner most thoughts and feelings hidden.   Through all the  months of dealing with T.'s lack of respect toward her, L. kept a personal journal documenting every conversation, meeting, phone call and appointment she and her children had to attend.  Everything said, even the demeaning, belittling and negative things T. said were written in L.'s journal.  L. was very organized and had no problem writing down day, time and who said what in her journal as she believed she was doing it for her children.  Protecting them with the facts and the truth not the one sided stuff T. constantly berated her with was L.'s motive for keeping such detailed notes.

  L. plodded forward day after day doing whatever she could to take care of her little family no matter what T. threw at her.  L. adored her children and wanted nothing more than for them to grow up happy, healthy and well rounded so she took all the crap T. dished out.  T. refused to tell L. exactly what her problem was with her which caused L. to have absolutely no trust in the worker or the organization she worked for.  Being treated so negatively during those months had L. constantly trying to guess the reasons behind what she considered emotional and mental abuse.  L. knew whatever had T. mad had to have something to do with her oldest.  L.'s oldest attended a public school and once the child was out of her sight L. could only guess what was going on.  Whenever she asked for details on the child's inappropriate behaviors during school hours she was ignored and told it was being worked on in therapy and group.  At home L.'s oldest remained as always, challenging but not  impossible to parent.  The oldest behaviors would always escalate either after group or if there were problems with bullies and L. grew to know exactly how to help her child handle all those upset feelings and emotions.

  Dealing with a child with behavioral challenges, a toddler, pregnancy and the disrespect from T. and child services kept L. stressed to the max back then and as the birth of her last child loomed closer and closer T. informed L. of her retirement.  T. was retiring from child services and wanted a new worker assigned to L. and L.'s family before L. gave birth.  Another worker to take over T.'s case load with L. and her family on the top of that list.  L. didn't care about a new worker but she was happy that T. would not be around for the birth of her child.  The idea a new person would be showing up in their lives did not thrill L. and she believed the new worker would treat her the same as T. had.  L. knew there was a file the child services kept on her and her family and it was that written information that would cloud the next worker's mind.  It was what she believed but  L. decided to concentrate on getting the baby's room ready instead of giving child services her energy.

  She was going to need her strength in a few more weeks and with all that had been going on with her oldest and child services L. had not put a lot of time into  relaxing.   She hoped her stress would not affect her unborn nor cause any problems with the delivery but she would have to wait a bit longer to find out.  As per her word T. set up a meet and greet with L.'s new worker A. just before the baby was born.  It was a very short meeting between L. and A. the first time as L.'s concentration was not on a new nasty worker but rather the pending birth of her child and her two little ones at home.  

  L. had her youngest a couple weeks later and spent only twelve hours at the hospital with the baby before returning home to her other two.  Life had a way of moving forward  for L. and her family and over the months that followed they continued as they had before.  L. was told what to do, what appointments to go to, what day care the two youngest would attend and what her oldest would be expected to do.  A. jumped right in where T. had left off not missing a beat with the disrespect and negative toward L.  

  Four months after the birth of her youngest it was determined the baby needed to be hospitalized and observed to determine why the little one was not gaining enough weight.  It was a short stay in the hospital for her baby and once back home with the little one L. and her children resumed life under even more restrictions and rules imposed by L.'s worker A.  Back in school the oldest continued acting out and was awarded more attention and intervention from child services and A.  L. could do nothing to stop the  behaviors her oldest was displaying and only because L. was not told the exact nature of her child's outburst while in school.  All L. had to go on was the upset ramblings of her child and the occasional slip of the tongue from A. when she would blame L. for all their problems and in details.

  L. did remember how things were when they still resided back east.  Before the passing of her mother, the children's grandmother, and before school years had started for her oldest.  It was during the beginning of the school years when L. saw the changes in her oldest.  Complaints of being bullied soon filled their dinner conversations and within a short time of attending public school L.'s child began acting out.  Behaviors no one had ever seen before according to the school staff at that time.  Thinking back to that time reminded L. of the reasons she had left the east and returned to the west.  She sacrificed her home, her furniture and her family of origins to save her child.  L. sold her furniture, said goodbye to her relatives and drove across the country to find the help and answers she believed her oldest deserved.  

  L. knew she had done the right thing moving her family back to the west but nothing could have ever prepared her for the way things were playing out with the west coast child services' and her oldest.  L.'s worker A. made T. seem like a pussy cat some days to L. and she quickly learned to speak only when asked a question writing everything else down in her journals.  L.'s reluctance to talk with her worker  often angered the worker but L. didn't care since all she had been getting from A. was blame for things she didn't understand.  It had become very clear to L. by that time that the answers she was looking for were not going to be found within the child services organization she was dealing with.

  L. and her small family ended the year with a quiet Christmas inviting L.'s friend and her child as well as L.'s ex husband, P. for the holidays.  A move that L. hoped would help her children forget their chaotic life.  L. wanted to enjoy the festivities of the holiday season with no worker bothering them with appointments and meetings and the way for her to accomplish that was to have friends over.  Who better to spend the holidays with but the father of her oldest and youngest and the man who had managed to form a bond with L.'s second born.  L.'s relationship with P. was strained most of the time but she did her best to have him involved with his children no matter how erratic that involvement was. 

 

  With the holidays over and the new year in full swing things for L. and her little ones did not improve the way L. had hoped.  Her oldest was causing quiet the concern with the school and A.  L. had tried not to question her oldest about the behaviors that had everyone so concerned but desperately wanted nothing more than to help her child.  It was the third week into the new year when L.'s best friend came across a book at the public library she felt would help L. with her oldest.  Without wasting any time L. checked the book out of the library and eagerly read page after page completing the book within five hours.  The book was all about temperament and how every one was born with a particular temperament and sometimes those temperaments could be challenging.  Answers were right in front of her written in a book she never heard of and L. wondered why the child services worker had never thought of that when it came to her child.   L. read that book many times taking notes and making diagrams and charts praying someone would listen to her when she had finished and help her with her oldest instead of just blaming her.

  As the winter months slowly gave way to the months of spring A. decided she and the child services were going to remove L.'s oldest from her home and place the child into a special foster home funded by them and operated for children with severe behavioral issues.   L. knew the information in the book she had read and the skills she had learned from the book were the right things for her children but A. had no interest in anything L. had to contribute or say for that matter.  It was those type of behaviors from the workers that had kept L. constantly wondering what she could have done for child services to treat her so degradingly.   Thoughts L. carried around with her  the whole time they had been working with her and her family and with A.'s latest move L. became even more disenchanted with the child services organization.

  L. believed she had done every thing asked of her and had done it correctly.   She had watched her oldest go from a happy little one to a child completely out of control.  L. looked for answers from child services and the counselors they funded but no answers were ever given.  Her oldest had started bothering the younger siblings after school and on weekends and A. determined that L.'s oldest needed to be placed in a proper foster home.  A. seemed to enjoy telling L. how the child's behaviors were caused by L. and only L.   L. absorbed  every word the worker said in complete and utter silence, holding back her tears, not giving A. the satisfaction of knowing how devastated she truly was. 

  That day in March L. was instructed on how to fill out the child services paper work by a worker and as L. listened to those instructions she couldn't stop herself from refusing.  Her bulking at the words she was told to write and sign were met with an adamant do it from A.  L. was being told to write that she would harm her child if the child was not taken away but L. knew she would never harm her children and had never harmed them.  A. explained to L. that saying those things would give the child services the go ahead to get her oldest the help needed and A. made it clear to L. it was the only way.  Crushed and completely broken on the inside L. did as she was instructed and signed the forms before hugging her oldest and telling the little one just how much she loved the child.  It was just starting to get warmer outside when L. and her two youngest had to watch the oldest get escorted from their home and lives by A.

  L. and the remainder of her family were denied  contact with the oldest for the first couple of weeks of the child being gone.  A. had insisted that the two younger siblings would remain in day care five days a week and eight hours a day leaving L. to her own demise.  Alone in the home where her children should have been caused L. to slip into a dark place.  She shut herself off from her friends and during the lonely hours her youngest were in day care L. cried non stop.  They were long sad days for L. sitting there in the empty house waiting for the two youngest to return from day care.  She could only clean and do laundry so often.  With everyone out of the house L. didn't have a lot to clean on a daily basis so she sat in her chair and cried and cried.  She stopped caring during those hours and only composed herself when the little ones got home.  L. made sure no one knew how depressed she truly was and carried on as if nothing was wrong when she had to.  L. had become an expert on pretending and hiding her true feelings and knowing she still had children relying on her gave her the extra incentive she needed to be a good mother for them.  

  Rounding the three week mark of her oldest being gone L. decided she needed to get out of her funk.  L. knew sitting alone in a chair for hours at a time was not going to get her child back  and she wanted that more than anything else.  L. figured she'd need a miracle if she was ever going to get her oldest back and began planning out the things she could do for her family.  L. had cried daily for over two and half weeks and when she snapped herself out of it she gathered all the inner strength she could muster and set out to accomplish the impossible.  Retrieving her child from A. and the child services was not going to be easy but L. knew she had no choice but to go for it!

  The library was one of the first places L. headed for and she checked out every book she could find on challenging children and temperament.  The first book she had read proved to be very helpful which convinced L. that she needed to learn more so she could understand her oldest better.  L. quickly bounced back from her dark place and spent the lonely hours the younger children were in day care reading, studying and learning.  In her quest for knowledge L. learned skills for managing challenging behaviors in children and the more L. came to understand the more she was determined to succeed in having her oldest returned.  L. had been promised answers and help from the child services' organization and instead she had her family torn apart.     Those were L.'s secret thoughts during that time when she and the younger siblings were not allowed to see the oldest.   A. called it a period of adjustment but L. considered it a period of hell.  The family had never been apart for that long before and it wasn't easy forgetting someone was missing from the dinner table or the couch in the living room.  

  It had not been easy for L., pulling herself up from the pit of despair she found herself in when A. took away part of her heart, but she did came back and with a vengeance.  L. continued to do her research while waiting to hear from A.  No one had made any effort to contact her during those early weeks her oldest was gone and L. began to wonder if she would ever hear from A. again as week three came to an end.  It was during week four when A. finally contacted L. and instead of asking L. how things were going she coldly explained how L. and the two younger children would be allowed a two hour visit at the foster home to see her oldest.  No kindness, no compassion just another demeaning conversation from A. to L.  A. dictated the directions to the home where her oldest was and reminded L. about the rules surrounding the foster home and their visit hanging up the phone without so much as a good bye.  L. didn't care that A. had been her usual rude self towards her she was just happy they were going to see the oldest and couldn't wait to tell her other two  that evening.

  The day of their visit had everyone ready, willing and eager to see the oldest and as they drove to the foster home L. couldn't help but wonder if she was walking into another ambush from a person funded by child services.   There she was driving to a home where her oldest had been staying for over three weeks with absolutely no contact the entire time.  L. had missed the child to where her stomach always hurt and as excited as she was to get to see the little one L. also felt nervous, terrified and down right ill.  L. couldn't help her mind from thinking the  worst, especially after all she had been put through by A. , T. and the child services during the previous year.  As she drove to the appointment L. reminded herself that no matter what the new professional thought of her because of A. she was there to visit with her child and not them.  She had to keep her composure no matter what kind of negative might be waiting for her and the family L. convinced herself as she pulled into the driveway of the foster home.

  With the two little ones in tow L. knocked on the side door and was greeted almost immediately by a young woman who ushered the trio inside pointing towards what looked like a living room or family room.  L. followed the young woman without speaking and after settling the younger children on a couch she turned around in time to watch her oldest come bouncing into the room.  Excited, happy and eager to see the family her oldest skipped right up to where the other two were and gave them both hugs and kisses babbling non stop the whole time.  Stories flowed as the child told them all about the things going on at the foster home and as L. paid full attention to her oldest she was forced to push her tears back.  L. knew where she was, knew they were there just for a visit and she would have to leave her child there once the two hours were up and that just made her heart break more.

  She stayed calm, kept herself from crying and was enjoying the stories from her oldest when all of a sudden a woman she had not seen before entered the room.  Introducing herself as P. the woman spoke kindly to L. and her children when she asked them to halt the visit for a little while as she wanted to speak to L. privately.  Her children were escorted to a television room and after given snacks the three of them starting watching Barney while L. waited to hear why this P. wanted to talk to her alone.  Of course L.'s mind jumped right to the negative and considering the way things had been going for her and her family she felt justified in fearing the worst from the conversation she was about to have with P.

  P. had the two of them sit and offered a coffee to L. before proceeding with her reasons for stopping the visit to speak with L.  L. sipped her coffee and listened to P. offer up her explanations which quickly turned into a more question and answer conversation than anything else.  L. soon realized that P. was interested in what she had to say and seemed to have a decent head on her shoulders.  P. continued speaking to L. and asking L. numerous questions about A. and the child services involvement with her and her family.  L., for the first time in over a year, felt she was being heard and without prejudice.       When P. was satisfied with the answers L. offered up she quickly told L. her roll within the child services organization and the special foster home L.'s child was currently in.   Once P. had concluded her interview with L. she assured L. that she did not condone the way she had been treated by the workers assigned to help her and her family.  It was very clear to P. that L. was not an abusive parent and she let L. know that from that moment on she was there to help L. and her oldest remain a family.  P. told L. how children enrolled in her program never went home.  Most of those  children were permanently removed from their families and later, usually after two years in the special foster home,  adopted out, explained P that day.  L. took it all in and realized her miracle was sitting across from her in the form of a stranger but remaining guarded L. kept calm and allowed P. to dominate the conversation.  P. was able to inform L. of some of the outburst the oldest had when at school and the things the child would tell teachers and the workers while L. sat at home oblivious to the damaging stories.  All done in anger, frustration and fear P. informed L.  Conversations for the next visit P. suggested when L.'s oldest appeared in the doorway wanting a hug.  P. quickly set up another visit for the following week and assured her  A. had no say in how she ran her program before leaving L.  for the remainder of the visit.

 

     It had been quiet the afternoon as L. drove the return trip home with both her younger children fast asleep in the back seat.  She reflected on the many things P. had said and as she slowly made her way home she wondered if her oldest would be returned to her and the family.  L. had learned from T. and A. that actions were not always louder than words but P. had seemed somehow different than them L. told herself when she pulled the car into her driveway.  She quickly unbuckled the little ones from their seats and carrying the baby the three of them went inside.  It was supper time when they arrived back home and as L. prepared a quick meal for them she realized that their two hour visit had turned into a five hour visit.  

  L. had the little ones fed, bathed and ready for a bed time story in no time.  Once tucked in the little ones drifted off to sleep half way through the story L. had been reading so she gently kissed them both before heading down the stairs to the living room.  Once she was comfortable in a chair L. turned the television on low and prepared to watch a little before retiring herself.  She had so much to think about and not a lot of time to do it in she thought as she sat there that night.  L. was made to sign a three month placement order and with one month already gone she knew there was no more time to be wasted.

  L. had met P. the person who ran the special program her oldest was in as well as the house parents of the foster home, S. and B. and they were all nice to her during the visit.  L. wasn't use to strangers being nice, especially those who received their funding from child services and the whole afternoon confused her.  She had been asked a lot of personal questions regarding her interactions with her oldest as well as the workers she had in her life and L. had done her best to answer each question honestly and without tearing up.  L. was extremely emotional during those dark times and she often had to bury the feelings and emotions she felt so A. wouldn't try and use her feelings against her.  A skill L. became an expert at and one which she wished she didn't have to practice so often back then.

  With some time in front of the television and space to decompressed L. silently prayed for a better tomorrow before turning off the television and retiring for the night.  A good nights rest and she'd be ready for another day and another battle were her last thoughts as L. drifted off to sleep.  L. was up ahead of the little ones and as her kettle began to whistle she heard the children stirring in their beds.  She quickly made an instant coffee before going up stairs to greet the little ones.  Once changed and dressed they headed for the comforts of the kitchen and breakfast.  The day care worker would be picking the children up for the day and L. had to make sure they were ready by the time she showed up.  With breakfast over and the little ones off to day care L. immediately set to work on her plans to help her oldest.  L. refused to wait any longer for A. to help and knowing what she then knew gave L. the extra push she needed to buckle down and fight even harder for her oldest and her family. 

  L. made it her goal to learn as much as possible about temperament and challenging children with out involving child services or A.  She had a week before the next visit and with her days all to herself because of A.'s orders L. immersed herself into any book that held possible answers for her oldest and the out of control behaviors that had caused so much turmoil in their family.  She read, she wrote notes and she read again.  Day after day L. kept busy researching with the soul purpose of regaining full custody of her oldest and rebuilding her small family.  L.'s drive to put her family back together consumed her during the day when she found herself alone and her relentless pursuit of knowledge was driven by her love for her children.  The reason why she had never succumbed to T.'s or A.'s constant accusations that she had done something to cause the out of control behaviors from her oldest.  L.'s love for her family far out weighed any dislike she had for child services and the workers and it was that love L. hung onto during it all.  

  L. had remained focused over the course of that week, waiting for the next visit with her oldest and that day arrived quicker for her because of her diligence.  She was ready for  P., the house parents and her only reason for going, her oldest!  L. had finally heard from A. a couple of days prior to that visit and her only comments were to inform L. that the two younger siblings were not to attend any more visits with the older child.  No explanation, just more orders and rules coming from child services and all L. could do was comply.  She was going to have to tell the younger ones A.'s newest rules but L. chose to wait until she had the next visit with their sibling.  L. sent her little ones off to day care before she embarked on her trip that day and as she headed to the foster home she constantly reminded herself to keep her guard up and not to trust P. too quickly.  One meeting wasn't enough to convince her that she was going to be respected and heard L. thought to herself as she arrived, on time, at the foster home.  Eager to see her child L. quickly strolled to the side door and knocked.  When the door opened a few minutes later, L.'s oldest was bouncing into her arms excited to see her.  L. hugged the child as tightly as she could before putting the little one down and retreating inside the house to begin their visit. 

  She had decided to for go speaking to P. about her new found knowledge and insights about her oldest until she had a better understanding of the program and P.'s roll within the child services organization.  Instead L. concentrated on her child and as they engaged in arts and crafts she forgot about A. and all the negative.  They played some games, drew pictures and ate lunch together before P. made an appearance.  L. stayed long enough to be questioned some more by P. and again the woman presented as a person who truly respected her and her answers.  A person in power and with all the say was listening to her which had L. on the confused side of things.  After all, L. knew that P. had access to the child services' file which up until that period did not do L. or her family any good.  

  It was only a couple more visits with the oldest when L. decided it would be the right time to approach P. and the house parents with her ideas for helping her child.  L. had high hopes that P. would have an open mind when she made that decision and as their sixth visit ended L. approached P. with her ideas.  The two of them sat and that time it was P. who listened to L. outline all she had discovered in her research.  L. had prepared behavior charts as example for P. to look over and she offered P. an opportunity to read one of the books she had on temperament.  P. eagerly accepted L.'s insights and took the book from L. without hesitation promising to return it the next visit.  L. felt a relief on that day as she left her oldest and made the return trip back to her home and the younger siblings.  Relieved that she was being heard!  L. had fought long and hard up until those foster care days and all through it she was never respected, never heard nor believed and for her none of it mattered.  All that mattered for L. was her children and now someone else had witnessed her love for her children L. reflected on as she parked the car in the driveway.

  A few more trips to the foster home and A. contacted L. requesting they have a sit down meeting at her office.  L. did the usual and agreed to attend the appointment which A. arranged for the day before L.'s next visit with the oldest.  It had already been over two months since A. had taken L.'s oldest when the appointment was set up and L. knew exactly why A. had all of a sudden contacted her.  She had been forced to sign a three month order placing her child in care and the three months were almost up which P. had warned L. of.  Child services wanted to keep L.'s oldest and never return the child to her and L. knew that.  P. had spoken to L. during her last visit and explained what A. was attempting to do.  P. refused to allow child services to complete their destruction of L.'s family and stood firmly in her recommendations of reunification with L. and her family.  L. was extremely grateful for the support she had been receiving from P., her program and the house parents and knowing P. was refusing to keep her child aided L. in her determination.  L., P. and the foster house parents had spent many hours developing a behavioral modification plan for her child implementing L.'s ideas on temperament and management skills geared for children like her oldest.  P. had even agreed to start the new behavioral methods while L.'s oldest was still in care thus preparing the child for the return to home and the family.

  L. was no longer scared of A. nor the power A. wielded over her as she prepared for the approaching appointment with A.  L. had been pushed and driven to almost giving up by child services and the different workers she had the misfortune of meeting but as beaten and exhausted as she sometimes found herself, L. never quit!  She fell down, got back up and kept on trying.  Motivated by love, driven to understand and succeed kept L. from giving up on her oldest.  L. believed each of her children was a gift and it was her responsibility to love, nurture and raise that gift the right way.  The positive way.  L. was motivated to be the best parent she could be which had finally proved valuable when she met P.  She knew A. had no respect for her so L. convinced herself to say as little as possible, be respectful and stand her ground no matter what A. had to say.  She was not giving up her oldest or any of her children to child services and with a P. supporting her L. knew she had the right to request her oldest be returned to her and the family.

  The day before her visit at the foster home L. arrived at A.'s office five minutes prior to the appointment time.  L. had continued to keep her journals during the time her oldest was gone and she reminded herself to take mental notes while waiting for A. to call her in to the office.   The meeting was short and straight to the point when L. refused A.'s attempts to dominate the conversation with negative derogatory statements meant to break and force L. to sign away her parental rights for her oldest.  L. stood her ground and informed A. that she would be seeking a return of the oldest at the end of the three month order which just happened to be two weeks from that day.  There wasn't anything A. could do then as L. was well within her rights and the fact that she had P. on her side gave L. that extra strength she needed to stand firm in front of A.  There were some harsh words and threats from A. but L. chose to ignore the worker as she walked away and headed for her car.  Once she was behind the wheel L. quickly grab her journal, which she carried around just incase she needed to write things down, and immediately wrote the outcome of her appointment with A.  The words were still fresh in her mind as she jotted down all the details, quickly finishing before starting the car and leaving for home.

  Back at home L. had some time to reflect before her younger two would be dropped off from day care and she took that opportunity.  It had been a long and grueling time spent dealing with child services and the workers they employed she thought, sitting there.  It even struck L. as sad that she had to find the answers to help her child while all T., A. and child services did was accused her of causing the child's issues.  They didn't even have the guts to confront her with the stories and lies the oldest had been saying and despite not knowing that information L. never once gave up on her child she reminded herself then.  L. had only learned of her child's stories and lies because P. informed her.  No teacher or worker ever mentioned the things her oldest had been saying while outside of the home but L. came to understand that was because they believed the lies and stories.  Thinking about it all, the meeting she had just had with A., her oldest and the younger ones did not overwhelm L. at that time.  Instead  L. felt stronger and more determined than ever before and began thinking of ways to improve her families lives when the oldest returned.  She did have a secret plan she had kept quiet about but after her meeting with A. L. decided she would mention her plans to P. the following day.

  L. remembered her melt down during the first few weeks her oldest had been gone and aside from those dark days she managed to complete every task she set before herself.  L. learned about temperament, challenging children, management strategies and developed a comprehensive behavioral plan for her oldest,  kept up with the visits at the foster home as well as dealt with the demands she had at home.  She did it all on her own with no interference from A. and L. rejoiced in the knowledge that it would all be over before the summer arrived as she headed for her second to last visit at the foster home.  It was a beautiful morning then and L. felt like the world was finally being lifted from her shoulders and couldn't wait to see her oldest.

  As she drove towards her child L. thought of all the things the child had confided in P. and as disturbing as some of the stories were L. felt nothing but love, empathy and compassion for her oldest.  The child had lived in constant fear and confusion from over hearing strangers yell, complain and belittle L. about the child's behaviors which made the little one even more out of control.  There were many counts of bullying which seemed to never stop according to the child and all of the attention from the workers and counselors overwhelmed the little one.  It was that fear and confusion that caused her child to lash out with lies in an attempt to hurt her L. was told.  L. came to gain a whole new understanding of her oldest and a new desire to help the child have the best life possible far away from the likes of A. and child services, and all with the help of P., originally, a complete stranger!

  L. felt extra chipper that morning when she knocked on the door of the foster home.  She was greeted immediately by a bubbly child eager to spend some time with her and wasted no time following her oldest to the family room.  Knowing that the child would be returning to the family within a couple of weeks helped L. with her feelings of deep sadness and she eagerly concentrated on enjoying her visit.  The visits were supposed to be two hours long but from the very start P. had stretched the get togethers to five hours and although she had to spend time with P. and the house parents L. had more time with her oldest than A. had requested.  They played a board game, painted some pictures, ate lunch and when it was time for L. to speak with P. she hugged her child tightly and watched as the oldest headed up the stairs.  L. sat with P. and explained her plans for the future, when the oldest was returned and with P.'s blessing L. felt reassured about her ideas and decided to start as soon as she got back home.

  During those last couple of weeks her oldest was in care L. made the conscious choice to write a letter explaining how she had been treated by child services and the workers and the impact those behaviors had on her family.  It was a tough call but L. refused to allow A. and the child services any more say in her life and considered a letter might help with that.  L. had also decided she would move her family away from the busy loud city and away from the likes of people similar to A. or T.  Moving out of the city was something L. had desired for a while and with everything that had occurred she felt leaving as soon as her oldest returned would be the best for her family.  A fresh start just in time for summer had been L.'s thoughts and P. had readily agreed when L. spoke to her about it.

  L. worked on her letter detailing how she was forced to live while child services and their workers were involved in her life.  It took several tries to get the wording correct but once she was confident in her writing L. finished off the letter with her name and address before preparing it for the mail.  Someone mentioned a radio talk show to L., a show dedicated to listening to the people and not just the government.  L. knew she would certainly rub A. and child services the wrong way when she wrote her letter but that only cemented her desire to have her story heard.  She sent the letter off to the radio station and made copies for A., P. and child services and within three days L. received a phone call from the radio station asking if she would agree to be interviewed live the next morning. 

  There was only one week to go before the oldest would be back with the family when L. nervously waited the following morning for the radio interview.  She was sweating and her voice sounded shaky during the interview but L. held up her end of the interview like a pro.  The outcome wasn't what she had expected and after all was said and done L. sat in disbelief and pondered the excuses the host used to justify the workers' behaviors.  It shocked L. when she heard the excuse of burn out being the likely cause of the workers' abuse toward her during their involvement.  The notion that an employee working for a government organization could run around emotionally and mentally abusing their client and call it burn out absolutely horrified L.    She tried, L. reminded herself as she began the dauntless task of packing up her families belongings.  She refused to let the radio host and the interview upset her as she packed box after box.  It was clear to L., after the interview, her only recourse would be to get as far away from child services as possible.  Something she could legally do according to P. and the very thing L. was going to accomplish once her oldest was returned.

  The final week went by quite quickly for L. and she only received four calls from A. during that final period.  A. kept up her relentless attempts to have L. reconsider removing the oldest from care but L. knew her legal rights and after taking all the negative she had during the previous year L. remained steadfast in her convictions to make her family whole again.  A. eventually stopped her attempts and turned to threats of future involvement instead.  L. ignored the worker as best she could and continued making plans for the oldest return and their impending move.

  Not long after the oldest child returned to the family home A. contacted L. for one last meeting to discuss closing the families file with in the child services organization.  L. waited a long time to hear those words of closing the file and readily agreed to the meeting.  She arrived on time for her appointment with A. and as per her usual rude self A. informed L. how child services would never be gone completely from her life.  No matter where they moved to the workers would know and A. made it very clear to L. that she didn't believe L. could parent her own children and they would be back involved with the family in no time.  It was a bitter sweet meeting as L. said her goodbyes and walked out of A.'s office that last time.  L.'s thoughts were not pure as she headed for home and her family but she expelled the negative before she arrived home.

  The family moved a short time later with the help of some friends and found themselves in the interior of the province surrounded by mountains and beautiful parks.  There was a beach on each side of the town and L. and her family spent their summer swimming, playing and exploring their new community.  Reconnecting with the oldest was top priority for L. and she dove right into that roll as they all enjoyed the parks and beaches that summer.  The stress of loaming child services workers became a thing of the past as summer neared it's end and the schools prepared for the return of students.

  L. had found a school near their new home for the oldest and a preschool was arranged for the second born.  The youngest would stay at home with L. while the older two were in school and she planned to find a counsellor for all the kids to help them put the previous year behind them.  L. herself enrolled in home school and studied Childhood Psychology eventually receiving her diploma.  Everyone was busy with school, fun and all the little ones began to thrive in many ways in the new town.  Life moved forward, the children reached milestones some thought impossible and the whole while L. stood caring, understanding and devoted to them.  She was their mom, their only parent and L. took that responsibility to the max!  Everything she did L. did for her children.  Everything!

  As time continued to heal her family L. kept an eye on the calendar.  L. decided she would access her families file the child services kept and she knew there was a waiting period.  L. knew what she had to do when the family resided in the city and she made the promise to herself that when the time was right she'd access the file.  The rule was, there had to be no involvement from child services for six months, then a person could request their child services' file from The Freedom of Information and Privacy Act.  When the six month mark arrived L. completed, in detail, the written request and mailed her papers off to their destination.

  It was business as usual for L. as a single mother and since keeping busy had never been an issue for her the request for the file was shelved away during the following weeks.  She enjoyed being a mom, spending time with her kids and there were friends with children the family often spent time around.  The move inland, away from the noise of the city, turned out to be very good for the family, L. would often think back then.  There were still challenges and her oldest still had a long way to go before mastering control of the challenging behaviors from the past but L. didn't care.  She was the parent, the mom and she intended to continue forward doing the best for her family no matter how many challenges popped up.  

  Christmas had come and gone when L. received a call from a child services' worker informing her that her file from The Freedom of Information and Privacy Act arrived at their office.  She was given the address to the child services office and told the worker she'd be by the next day to retrieve her file. 

  L. felt no rush to pick up the file but she did think getting the paper work away from a child services office would be best for her and at noon the following day L. retrieved her file.  There was no time to read the paperwork and L. really didn't want to then.  She knew it said nothing nice or good about her and it would be depressing to read so much negative was how L. felt returning to her house with a thick file folder beside her in the car.  She chose to put the file away when she got home.  A perfect idea L. believed as she put the entire file folder away in her old trunk.  Out of sight and out of mind!

 

     As life continued onward and upward for L. and her family the file was all but forgotten tucked away in L.'s trunk.  Locked up safely out of reach.  During those early spring days L. figured out she wanted to move again.  It had been bothering her for awhile and when spring got into full bloom L. knew she wanted to be even further in rural life.  A garden, a big back yard for a dog, plenty of room for a swing and lots of areas to explore were constant thoughts L. had at that time.  They had not seen nor heard from any child services' workers for months which L. took as a good sign when she began planning another move for her family.  L. did some digging and found some rural places only an hour at most away from the where they were living but realized they would be waiting until school was over before they could move.  

  All her children were in a school when L. began planning their move.  Her youngest was old enough for part time preschool and L. had enrolled the older two in a private school hoping there would be no bullies or bullying behaviors allowed on school grounds.  Something she had not seen within the public school system and had become fed up with nothing being done to quell such conduct her oldest often talked about happening.  It wasn't easy paying for the private school and it became one of the reasons L. wished to move again. 

  It was during one of those rare mornings she found herself alone when a knock on the front door startled her out of her day dreams.  L. opened the front door to find a woman standing there holding a brief case and extending a business card toward her.  L. took the card and as she flipped it over to read the woman quickly introduced herself as a child services' worker.  L. looked at the woman and for a quick second thought the worst but just as quickly realized nothing could be wrong.  L. invited the worker into her home and led the woman to the kitchen table offering a beverage as they took a seat opposite each other at the table.  The woman declined a drink and jumped right into why she was there.  Turned out it was merely a follow up from L.'s previous involvement and because L. had accessed her file the child services' organization also had to wait a certain amount of time before doing a follow up.  The meeting was short and straight to the point ending with L. reminding the worker just how much child services was not welcome in her life and she would do whatever it took to make sure they remained gone!

  After the worker left L. decided it was time for her to read the file she had accessed and as she unlocked the old trunk she couldn't help but to wonder if there was any thing positive or true written in the file.  She looked down at the neatly stacked file and silently blamed the woman who showed up at her home unannounced.  L. blamed her for making her open the trunk.  For making her read the negative paper work.  L. pulled the file from the trunk and sat quietly on her bed and began reading.  She didn't read far on that day as her youngest would be home from preschool within the hour so L. put the file away and headed back to the kitchen to start lunch.  Reading the file became a process L. endured during the night when the little ones were fast asleep.

  L. read a little each night until she had scrutinized every word, paragraph and negative statement written by T. and A.  They had managed to portray L. as a parent who lacked parenting skills and refused to admit abusive behaviors.  Words like; comprehensive risk assessment, resists intervention, refuses to attend parenting programs, does not follow advice and countless other demeaning words were what L. forced herself to read.  She saw no positive in those papers and she even reread the file two more times just incase she had missed the good comments.  There were none she could find though and that merely added to L.'s already low opinion of child services and their workers.

  L. reminded herself she had her journals and she had the complete truth of how things went during T. and A.'s reign but seeing the damaging words typed neatly in the child services' file didn't make L. feel better.  She had done everything the workers demanded of her and yet they wrote she did not comply.  L. took three parenting courses, attended an open door program, went to numerous meetings, appointments and so much more during her time with T. and A. and not word mentioned about all those months of compliance.  Not one word could be found in that child services file and it just blew L.'s mind how the workers got away with that.  Certainly messed up L. thought as she returned the file to her trunk.  It would be some time before L. would feel at ease about the stuff she read from the file but luckily for her she was needed by her little ones and had no time to dwell on the past.

  L. forgot the negative file and spent the remaining school year concentrating on her children and when she had a free moment worked on a parenting guide she would eventually self publish and sell.  She had learned a lot about temperament and how most parents never consider understanding their little ones based on their temperament.   Most kids with challenging behaviors were considered ADHD and prescribed medication and that would be that, except L. had discovered through her own experiences, not all children were born  'within the box'!  L.'s knowledge and experiences during that time,  even though her journey to get there had not been an easy one,  she did have  a lot to offer other parents whose kids were more challenging than most. 

  L.'s self published book was finished by the beginning of summer vacation which proved to be perfect timing for the family.  They lived a twenty minute walk from the nearest beach and play park and with picnic lunches, tons of sun screen and beautiful weather they would be spending as much time out doors as they possibly could.  L. hadn't forgotten about her plan to move even further into the country where beaches may be harder to find and she wanted to enjoy the beach just as much as her children did!  Life was good, not perfect, but it didn't matter to L.  She was there for the ups and the downs and every challenge in between.. There had been remarkable improvements with her oldest and the inappropriate behaviors from earlier years but at the same time the youngest had begun to show similar challenging behaviors.  L. would be ready for whatever was to come and she knew that as the family settled into their summer routine.

  L. carried on with parenting her children, living below the poverty line as she had been told and for the most part the words from the file began to fade away.  If it wasn't for the occasionally reminder, L. would never dwell on those negative statements but once in awhile someone or something would trigger  her into remembering.  During those moments L. would ponder the numerous questions she had for T. and A. and it always started with the same ones.  P. had informed L. what kind of stories and lies her oldest had confessed to and upon speaking with A. about the child's lies it became apparent to P. just how much child services disliked L. and didn't hesitate to let her know.  L.'s question would have asked why they didn't apologize to her after they learned the truth from L.'s oldest and should that not have been reflected in the file she would ask no one but herself.

  Those moments were short lived for L. as thinking about those negative words and times were too depressing for her and her attentions were occupied with raising her family and having as much fun as possible while doing that.  As time moved forward the distance between L. and child services got longer and longer.  After a couple of years in the town L. was able to secure a mobile home from her friends father just forty minutes away complete with a yard and permission to have a dog and a brook flowing right beside the property known to contain brook trout.  L. couldn't have been more excited.  Her friend had talked her father into renting to L. and with his help they were able to relocate the following summer.  The oldest finished off grade five just prior to the move and with four A's and a couple of B's to boot.  L. often helped with homework but she knew it was her child who did the work to achieve those grades and she couldn't have been more proud!

  Once again the family started over in a new community with new places to explore and new people to meet.  L.'s friend T. and her children had become very close with L. and hers' which made moving to T.'s father's trailer that much easier.  L. thought of her friend and her kids as family which included T.'s father, L.'s new landlord.  They quickly settled in to the new home and while the kids explored the area L. got stared on a small garden and fencing off the yard for the dog they were going to adopt.  She took care of the cleaning before unpacking as well as the unpacking.  It wasn't long and L. had the tiny mobile trailer nice  and homey for her and her little family.  She had transferred the older two 's school records to their new schools for the up coming school year and L. had sent a copy of her parenting guide to he r oldest new school principle.  Taking care of the school situation was as important to L. as it was to her children.  They were once again starting new schools with new kids and sometimes that could prove stressful for her children.  L. had learned the hard way that being bullied at school on a daily basis often ended poorly for her oldest.  Something P. had spoken of during some of L.'s visit with her oldest at the foster home and something L. would not tolerate happening at the new schools.

  Again the family adjusted to the new home and community and all but forgot the past.  The oldest landed a part time job looking after a horse and helping the rancher with all the horses in exchange for being allowed to ride.  A job thoroughly enjoyed by the child!  The school year progressed fairly well with minimal episodes of bulling for the oldest and the school grades reflected a child who was less stressed and enjoying their life.  The same couldn't be said for her youngest though.  That little one had no tolerance for being picked on and had to be removed from the public school system during the first day after the child had  a major melt down.  L. had hoped the child would have the skills needed to manage the emotions that sometimes appeared but after the melt down on day one L. decided to home school her youngest.  It would not be a permanent thing L. promised both herself and her youngest as she took on her new role as a teacher as well as a single mother.

The months slipped by and as the school year neared its end the following June L. approached her landlord seeking to rent to own the trailer they lived in.  He was her best friend's father and over the course of the months L. and her family lived there they had become close.  His grandson, L.'s friend's son even stayed with L. and her family when visiting his grandpa.  They were all like family and L. even helped her friend understand her child's challenging behaviors

just as she had done for her oldest.  L. and her children did not have family living close and the little ones were growing up with only L but when they had met her best friend's child that all changed.  To them family didn't need to be blood.  Family just needed to be there, to be understanding and to love you no matter what.  L.'s best friend and her two children were exactly that to L. and her kids, family, which at that time also included her landlord.

  The bug was in her landlord's ear so L. continued doing all she could for her family.  School lessons for the youngest, help with homework for the second born and the occasional ride for the oldest who decided to join the school band the following year.  Life was busy, life was fun and life was sometimes challenging for L. but nothing could stop her from being the devoted mother she was.  After she had some success with her parenting guide L. wrote another guide for parenting challenging children and self published that as well.  One year had become two years and two had all of a sudden become four years with no contact from child services a realization L. enjoyed during that time.  She kept busy, not only with being a mother and teacher, L. also began writing and inventing recipes for healthy eating.  Their budget for food was limited and L. seldom bought what she considered junk food, instead she concentrated on home cooked and baked foods.  L. invented bars, muffins, foods without dyes or artificial flavors, and more.  She took pictures of the successes and wrote a budget friendly cookbook, self-published it and began selling copies for ten dollars each.  All in all life was good back then for L. and her small family of three.

  L. waited a few months before she went back to her landlord to inquire if he would be willing to do the rent to own with her.  When L. managed to catch up with her landlord he readily agreed a rent to own would work for him but the bank also had a say he informed her and suggested she wait until he heard back from them to hear the answer.  L. was fine with waiting as she had the patients of Job and was far too busy with parenting her three children to slow down waiting for an answer from the bank.  She carried on as she always did until about a month later when the landlord surprised her with a visit.  His news was not good.  The bank had said no to a rent to own but he thought she should continue to live there but wanted to give L. an opportunity to move if she wanted.

  It was not a difficult choice for L. then as she had already considered the no answer from the bank and had recently found another mobile home a little further south west from where they were.  She told her friend and landlord that the family would move instead of staying with his mobile.  They were friends who were like family so it wasn't a goodbye just a relocation.  The place L. had discovered and rented was surrounded by mountains, had only two fairly close neighbors one of which would be her new landlady, a creek ran through the tiny town and the river which one could both fish and swim in was merely a ten minute walk away. Paradise it seemed to L. when she had driven out to take a look at the place and meet her new landlady.   L. decided the move would happen at the end of June and with everyone pitching in and helping it became the smoothest relocation she had up until that time.  Her children were growing up and becoming teenagers which meant they spent more time with their friends than they use to.  Something L. factored into her choices of where to move to and she believed the tiny place she had found would be the place they could remain at for many years to come. 

  With the entire family helping the new mobile home was set up in no time with each family member having their own bedroom something that was rare for them.  Living month to month with limited funds didn't usually afford L. the luxury of separate bedrooms for everyone but during that particular time she found the right place at an affordable price and jumped at that opportunity.  L. enjoyed being a stay at home mom and decided she would not explore the new community right away but she allowed her children to go out exploring as long as they traveled together.  While her children were out making friends L. stayed behind at home and continued her usual work of making their home nice and cozy comfy.  The inside cleaned up pretty quick which led L. out side to start her summer yard and garden work.  The swings had to be reassembled and put up, there would be grass to mow, a clothesline needed to be installed and a garden plot was required,  the kind of chores she lived for L. grinned to herself as she set to work.

  L. kept to herself and only allowed a select one or two people into her circle of friends something she felt she needed to do in order to remain safe.  As her children enjoyed the company of their new friends she enjoyed baking bread, cookies and bars listening to the radio as she puttered around their newest home.  It didn't take long before the kids started asking for permission to have their friends over for play dates and home baked goodies which suited L.  She enjoyed spending time with her kids and if they wanted to hang at the house with their friends L. took it as a sign they enjoyed hanging with her as well.  Cookies, squares and peanut butter balls became a pleasant treat for some of the local children when ever they would pop by to hang out with L.'s three.

  Once again time seemed to slip by unnoticed by L. as she came to the end of another summer full of adventures and prepared for the new school year.

The older two would bus it to the school while the youngest remained at home for home schooling with the goal of preparing the youngest for  public school the following year.  There had been a couple of incidents in the small community between L.'s oldest and some local teenagers over the summer and L. hoped those things didn't spill over into the school.  Most of it had been due to rumors surfacing about L. and why she never went to other people's houses which L. tried to explain to those locals but in a small place the outsider or the new comer always drew stares and talk.  L. knew that as she herself grew up in a very small community and was not new to gossip.

  She did the best she could to squall the local's gossip about her and her family but realized she didn't really care if people talked.  L. knew who she was and felt she shouldn't have to explain the way she lived to strangers.  L. did not drink during those days as a single parent and prided herself on practicing positive parenting which she quickly learned was not something others practiced.   L. found it difficult to trust people and with the rumors and gossip her oldest informed her were circulating around the small community it only infused L.'s mistrust issues enough for her to remain the stay at home mother she was.

  School began as it always did, with everyone excited and eager to get back to friendships and for the oldest, back to band practice.  The youngest continued school at home with L. providing the lessons and instruction and the school district providing the materials and grade plan for the child.  Settling into the new school year had some challenges for L.'s oldest and youngest but they both managed to bounce back after some quick intervention by L.  Bullies were a problem for L.'s children, a problem she had become all too familiar with.   Since the very first day her oldest began school many years previous L. had heard many stories and tales of the types of behaviors bullies showed her child.  It was said that children could be cruel, a statement L. felt was extreme but after some of the things her oldest repeated, L. became a believer. 

  Aside from defusing upset feelings left over from being bullied L. and the family lived the best life they could then and as the school year progressed L. found herself reflecting on past events.  Those moments when her mind went down the dark path of memories and child services she began to notice it occurred when there was an incident with a bully and her oldest.  L. maintained self composure around her kids and saved her own upset feelings from the past for a time when she was alone.  It was her child who warranted assistance when bullying seemed to prevail over school lessons and friendships and L. made sure she was there for her child when the need arose.   L. remembered the paperwork from child services, paper work that said nothing good about her parenting and yet L. stayed true to her convictions and raised the family with love, respect, compassion, understanding and much more of what she felt important to their over all happiness and growth.

  It wasn't always easy being a single parent but L. managed to rise for the occasion and while her children grew and matured back then she too grew in many ways.  She had learned what she needed to know for her kids and took her knowledge and wisdom and helped other parents gain a better understanding of temperament and children.  L. had two self published parenting guides which she had been able to sell during that time and after her first cook book had been printed she decided to do another one with even more recipes and pictures.  L. was a creative individual who enjoyed arts and crafts at the kitchen table with her children but her creativity didn't start there nor stop there.  The cook books were fun to write but for L. her books were also a way to bring in extra income for the family.  Having fun played a huge roll in L.'s parenting style and personal style which she hoped her kids would also include in their lives when they became old enough to live on their own.  Keeping life fun and positive came with many challenges that year as the bullying spread from the school to the community where the family lived.  L. did the best she could to support her children during those bad days when they felt they were picked on and worked with the school to help solve the bulling issues.  

  Not all challenges were school related as L. would eventually discover but at that time she was focused on her children and their wellbeing.  L. stayed grounded, stayed home and looked after her family.  L.'s children were by no means little angels and L. knew that but for L., she believed no child should be bullied not even a child who misbehaved and that was where L. stood. And firmly!  Teenagers, bullies and life continued forward for them all and as they neared the end of spring L. found herself with thoughts from the past pestering for attention.  She hadn't experienced a flash back for a few weeks but realized the current memories she was having were because they hit the seven year mark with no child services driving her nuts.  She took care of all her families needs and did an awesome job of raising the little ones who by then were not so little any more.  L. let the memories go then knowing she was a good person and a good parent!

 

     By the time L. became aware of child services snooping around in her life it was too late!  There had been no phone calls, no knocks on the front door, no personal contact from a worker instead L. found out through the mail.  The local post office was no more than ten minutes away and on that sunny day when L. retrieved her mail she saw a letter from child services addressed to her.  She returned home quickly with the mail and wasted no time ripping open the letter to see what child services could possibly want after seven years.  Seven wonderful years L. thought as she starred in total disbelief at what was an attack on her and her parenting.  The words cut L. like a knife cuts bread, each one digging deeper into her heart and soul.  She had been accused of physically hurting her youngest in the community and a supposedly concerned resident had called child services to report her.  She read the letter several more times before putting it away and returning her attentions back to the youngest.

  L. would show the letter to her older two children when they returned from school but until then she would keep busy with her youngest and perhaps whip up a batch of chocolate chip cookies for them.   The youngest finished the lessons for the day and as the little one watched some television L. quickly made the cookie dough and had the first batch in the oven just as the older ones strolled through the front door.  Once the days adventures were discussed they all curled up in the living room and while eating the fresh cookies enjoyed some pre homework television.  L. waited until all her kids were comfortable and relaxed before she broke the news to them about the letter she had received and child services.  She believed they were old enough to know what could happen with the child services organization involved in their lives and felt no guilt telling them.  L. herself found it difficult to accept the letter and it's contents and the worker who signed it definitely started the relationship off on the wrong foot she declared silently.

  L. made the phone call the next day knowing she had absolutely no choice and attempted to explain how the report was false to the worker but it fell on deaf ears.  The worker C., shut L. up halfway through her sentence and promptly informed her that there would be an investigation on her and her family.  An appointment was not made then as C. insisted on doing the investigation first because of L.'s previous involvement with child services seven years before.  As L. listened to C. she felt that sick uneasy feeling she had not experienced since A. and T.'s time and she didn't enjoy it.  The conversation with C. caused all kinds of emotions and feelings to bubble up to the surface but L. kept her cool and remained respectful while the stranger C. told her what to do while she conducted the investigation.  An investigation into a false claim shouldn't take long L. thought as she said her good byes and hung up the phone.

   L.'s confidence was soon shattered  though when another letter appeared in her mail box merely a week after the first one.  She still hadn't met the worker C. so she remained at home doing what she did everyday with one exception.  Waiting!  She was forced to wait and wait for the worker from child services to contact her and as she put the unopened letter aside, reminding herself to read it later, L. thought it odd that the worker C. had sent another letter instead of calling her.  The investigation couldn't have been bad since L. didn't do any thing to harm any of her children she reminded herself as she began the lunch routine for her youngest and herself.

  Lunch finished, school lessons over for the day,  L. found time to bake some fresh biscuits for the evening meal as well as the birthday cake for her youngest birthday the following day.  She'd frost the cake and decorate the house once the kids were in bed were her plans as the afternoon wound down. L. finished her biscuits and the cake was baked when her oldest walked through the front door without the second born.  The oldest looked at L. and immediately informed her that child services had taken the sibling.  Shocked L. darted to her bedroom where she had put the days mail and grabbed the letter she picked up that morning and read it.  There it was!  C. had taken her child away and would contact L. the following week to explain everything to her.  L. couldn't believe it!  She stood there in silence trying to control the tears while her mind attempted to understand the sudden turn of events.

  Heart broken L. returned to her remaining children and after calming them both down grabbed  snacks and headed for the living room where they sat and talked about their current situation.  The youngest was visibly upset but the oldest just sat quiet saying nothing.  As it turned out the worker C. had hunted the oldest down on school grounds and handed the child the same letter L. received via the mail informing her oldest the blame for the removal rest on the oldest shoulders.  A horrible thing for the worker to say and do L. thought as her oldest related the events of the day to her.  When it was all said the oldest left to spend the weekend with friends while L. and her youngest prepared for a very depressing and sad weekend without the second born.  It was a Mother's Day weekend and the youngest' birthday as well when C. pulled her crap on the family but L. remained determined to help the little one have a fun birthday and she kept true to her word. 

  Although her heart really wasn't in to decorating for the birthday child, L. spent some time that evening making sure the house looked festive for the next morning before she headed off to bed and a sleepless night.  Her mind raced a thousand miles an hour as she lay there trying to stop the flood of past memories and tears but her attempts were unsuccessful.  She cried quietly into her pillow so as not to wake the youngest and as the night continued L. tried to make sense of C.'s actions, a woman she hadn't even met, only spoke to on the phone.  L. tried to keep her memories from surfacing but the move by C. and child services more than upset her it opened the flood gates to seven years prior.  A time she did not want to relive but during that sleepless night she let it all out reminding herself how hard she had fought to save her oldest and keep the family whole and through her tears vowed to do it again!

  L. spent the remainder of the night tossing and turning while her mind attempted to rationalize her situation and make sense of it all.  She was up before  her youngest to put the finishing touches on the birthday cake before hiding the cake until later on that day.  The two of them tried their best to enjoy the birthday but her child missed the siblings and had so many questions L. just couldn't answer which definitely put a damper on the day.  L. herself found it difficult to keep her mind on the day in front of her when her thoughts were on the past.  The nightmare that was child services had come back to torture her in her present day and L. couldn't figure out why.

  L. spent that birthday and mother's day depressed and confused and still she managed to surprise her youngest with the perfect present, a delicious birthday cake and some rather forced fun.  She cried when in her bedroom alone and continued to rack her brain for answers she would never find there because L. knew she had done absolutely nothing to warrant the actions of C. and child services.  L. wasn't ready for another stint with that particular government organization but as she waited for a call from C. she prepared for what she believed would be coming.  L. had strength beyond the ordinary when it came to standing up for what she believed to be right, even times when standing her ground proved pointless, she stood steadfast in her convictions.

  The two day weekend seemed like an eternity giving L. way too many hours to think about the reports C. mentioned child services had received from some local residents.  False accusations, lies and L. for the life of her could not fathom why the locals would make stuff like that up.  She minded her own business, kept to herself a majority of the time and unknow to the locals L. walked around the community keeping an eye on her kids without them even aware of her presence.  L. wanted to trust her children but as a parent she knew they still needed some adult supervision while they earned that trust and in the tiny town it was easy strolling through it unseen to the kids.

  The weekend ended with the oldest returning home to prepare for school and for L., she figured she'd be hearing from C. the next morning.  L. spent most of her weekend deep in thought rehashing her previous encounters with child services both in the west and that brief time back east.  L. knew some of the workings of child services as she had researched those types of government organizations seven years back and although there were different names used across the country to L. they were all the same.  They could call themselves; child services, child protection, children's aide or family services it didn't matter to L.  She saw only a government run organization capable of breaking laws and rules with no accountability!  That was how L. felt and in her head she felt rightly justified to dislike, loath even, anyone remotely connected to a child services group considering the months of torment she lived during the late nineties.  

  Over the course of that birthday and mother's day weekend L. did her best to keep the youngest occupied while she silently battled her desire to scream and freak out.  She kept replaying things over and over in her head.  What had she done wrong? Who'd she upset in the community that they felt the need to falsely report her to child services?  L. stuck up for her children, any child really, especially if she caught an adult screaming and swearing at them.  She was not blind to her children's faults back then but L. did know getting a child to behave worked better if they were shown the respect you wanted from them rather than yelling and belittling them.  Her positive parenting practices did not impress some of the local parents which L. was okay with.  What L. was not okay with during that time was the foul name calling, threatening the kids with physical harm and all coming from the lips of the adults L. chose not to associate with.  Perhaps she pissed them off by sticking up for her children and on the occasion, other children. 

  All she could do was guess, surmise and question the motives of the people who made the false reports and trust me,  L. did just that as she waited for that phone call from C.  Her mind worked over time then and L. wondered how the conversation with C. would play out.  In her head, L. would be silent while C. berated her on living below the line, the poverty line, raising challenging children on her own and the one L. hated the most; having no parenting skills what so ever.  Those were some of the statements L. remembered from the past and as she waited for C.'s call on that Monday morning.   L. readied herself for the negative she believed would be her fate once C. phoned.   With the youngest settled at the desk working on math and the oldest off to school L. started her morning dishes and laundry hoping C. called sooner than later.  L. was anxious to hear their fate, her fate with child services that morning and when the phone rang twenty minutes later she was quick to answer it.

  Removing herself from earshot of the little one L. answered C.'s hello and listened as she was told C. would be dropping by the house at one to discuss the future involvement with child services.  The words future involvement meant L. and the family were going to be told what to do, when to do it and anything else C. decided.  L. didn't like the conversation she had with C. and knew up close and personal with that woman wasn't going to be pleasant either but L. did understand who was in charge then and it certainly wasn't her!  One o'clock hit just as C. knocked on L.'s front door.  L. put her youngest in her bedroom with a movie to watch and snacks so she could speak with C. privately before letting C. into the house.

   L. spent her mother's day weekend without knowing where one of her children was and it was because of the woman she now faced in her kitchen.  C. dove right in with her rant wasting no time at all condemning L. for her lack of parenting skills.  C. informed L. how child services and she  went to court and had a judge court order L. to comply with a six month supervision order.  L. sat stunned and silent unable to comprehend the reasoning for a court order.  She hadn't abused the kids.  She lived every waking moment for her children but there she sat, across from another nasty worker unable to defend herself, accused of abuse and neglect.  L. took every word C. said to heart and said nothing  in return.  L. lived the night mare before and would do it again if it meant keeping the family together.

  C. had L. sign the six month order, made her agree to take another parenting course, ordered L. and her children to be visible in the community and insisted L. comply with everything or all three children would be taken from her.  Of course L. signed her name agreeing to do everything on the court order list.  She knew her hands were tied but the only thing on L.'s mind was getting her kid back from C.  Before C. left that day she promised L. her middle child would return home the following day after school.  L. watched C. leave her driveway before she retreated to the privacy of a bathroom to cry.  L. kept her tears from flowing while C. belittled her but once the woman drove off L. couldn't hold them back any longer and sitting alone in the bathroom she cried freely.

  L. hoped the strength she possessed would be enough to carry the family and her through a six month period of being watched, spied on, and harassed by the likes of C. who L. despised immensely then.  She would succeed driven by the devotion and love she had for her children but L. worried the affects the six months might have on her children.  A justifiable worry for L. during those days.  One thing that L. was able to hang onto back on that day involved  knowing what she was being accused of unlike during T. and A.'s reign where she was kept in the dark.  It did help L. to know those accusations and at the same time she understood false or not, those lies were going to make her life miserable from that day forward.

  Mulling over the crap C. said kept L. busy for the remainder of the day because she felt something wasn't quite right about the worker and the conversation.  L. couldn't quite put her finger on what caused her to feel strange after C. left, aside from her usual dislike for the organization and it's workers of course.  There was just something different with C., L. thought while thinking she should concentrate on supper instead of C.  Her child would be coming home the next day after school which was all L. needed to pick up her spirits from the dreary weekend.  L. made sure her kids knew their sibling would be home the following day and as the evening meal ended she also mentioned the papers she was forced to sign to ensure just that.  L. decided she would discuss the court order rules and the things C. spoke of when her middle child returned and reassured the other two she'd do whatever it took to keep them all safe.  They'd have a family meeting when the whole family was present L. informed them before putting the youngest to bed and clearing the dishes from the table so her oldest could finish some homework.

  L.'s evening was spent pondering, questioning and thinking about everything C. had said to her and the way she spoke to L. during their very first meeting.  L. knew she had done absolutely nothing to warrant being taken to court and placed on a six month supervision but at the same time L. also knew child services and C. were then in charge of every aspect of their lives.  She knew she could do nothing to stop the order and vowed silently to shut up and take the parenting course C. was setting up for her as well as attend all appointments.  C. insisted L. have a mental health assessment and she wanted L. to place the youngest on medication for hyperactivity which L. felt would do more harm than good. She Knew C., who spent two years in school to become a social worker, was holding the purse strings and she would have to comply or run the risk of losing all three of her children.  C. made it very clear to L. what would happen if she and or the children failed to comply with the court order.  L. had listened to C. offering no comments to the woman who sat at her kitchen table spouting off about things that never happened and crap from the past that she knew nothing about.  

  L. could give in,  she could give up and just hand her three over to the child services but L. did not know how to quit.  If the ' fight is right ' were words she lived by when it came to defending her family and keeping them safe.  Keeping her children safe from bullies, safe from their own mistakes and safe from people who lacked any understanding of challenging children.  The later proved to be the most challenging for L. as most adults forgot what it was like to be a child and believed all children should behave the same.  L. never wavered from her convictions of positive parenting, understanding temperament and hearing C. slam her parenting as non-existing merely cemented L.'s poor opinion of C. and child services. 

  Once the second born returned to the family L. spent a few days talking and going over the court order C. sprung on them and slowly began to implement a plan of her own.  C. demanded the family stay visible within the community as part of the six month order but  L. couldn't bring herself to hang out in the  community choosing instead to travel out of town for parks and hikes with their friends.  Those who lied and reported her and the family to child services motivated L. to seek fun elsewhere and for six months she would stick to that.  L. did the best she could to boost everyone's mood during those early days with C. dictating their every move but she soon realized the older two were not bouncing back the way she hoped.  The middle child returned from the weekend in care questioning C.'s motives and confessed that they no longer trusted adults.  Sadden by the words her child spoke and believed back then L. embarked on a secret mission; to shut her mouth, do what C. said and most importantly play dumb!  C. accused L. of having no parenting skills for her own children and would be setting up the parenting program to happen at L.'s table where L. would play C. is correct and knew nothing of parenting.  Her instructor for the parenting program would be an older man which meant another person would pretend to befriend her while writing notes of how bad her parenting skills so L. planned to face the instructor as the parent C. accused her of being.  Clueless!

  It struck L. as extremely bizarre that C. would accuse her of having no parenting skills just as T. and A. had done seven years prior.  Seven years with not one visit from child services and all of a sudden L. lacked parenting skills.  Seemed fishy to L. back then but with her family depending on her to keep them together and get them through C.'s reign she put aside her questions and feelings and moved forward with complying with the order and C.  L. met W., the parenting course instructor the next week and began what would be several weeks of the youngest acting up during every weekly visit with W. 

   The first few weeks went by slowly for the family as they tried to adjust to C. and child services' involvement in their lives.  It was during those initial weeks that L. discovered C. had done no investigation instead based her choice to remove L.'s middle child on the interviews she conducted with L.'s children while they were in school.  L.'s middle child spoke of the interview with C. but it didn't register with L. right away that was what caused the removal of her child.  Those would be revelations for another day, another time!

  L. spent her parenting course time learning what she already knew while her little one continued demanding attention by interrupting her and W. as they sat at the kitchen table.  If L. made a move to correct the child or put the kid back in the other room W. was quick to point out her flaws and mistakes when dealing with the child.  L. began to loath the man who figured he knew her child better than she did but because of C. L. kept her thoughts in check and allowed yet another person to condemn her parenting.  L. knew her youngest was just acting up for attention from W., they talked about those particular behaviors before the course, which made it even harder on L.,  to sit and remain silent while W. pointed out the right way to handle her child. 

  Six months would prove to be challenging to say the least but for L., she could handle just about any negative thrown her way and her past proved exactly that!  L. continued the parenting course with W. pretending she needed to be educated on childhood development and parenting allowing the man to write his notes for C. indicating she had complied with the court order.  L., because of C., ended up placing the youngest on medication for hyperactivity and for thirteen long days watched as her little one changed from a bubbly happy kid to a child curled into a ball with stomach pains, nausea and no energy.  No matter how horrible L. felt watching her child suffer she could not stop the medication as C. had made it very clear to L. what would happen if she did.  Threats from another child care worker was all C.'s words meant to L. and instead of disagreeing with C. during those first few months under the court order L. shut up and shut off her personal feelings.  

  As difficult as her life had become dealing with W., C. and the court order rules the saddest thing during those months turned out to be the changes she witnessed in her children.   They were different somehow, even the youngest seemed changed to her but L. was determined to support and stand by them for as long as they needed her.  L. took all the negative C. tossed her way refusing to engage the woman from child services, the woman who placed her on a six month supervision order without warning.  L. was never allowed to defend herself seven years prior to C. and there L. found herself once again, with C. and unable to defend herself against false accusations.  L. managed to keep it together seven years before C. showed up which she knew would aid her through C.'s negative during those six months.

  L. hid all her anger, loathing and contempt for child services and the workers who worked for them during that time promising to deal with C. the correct way when the time was right.  For L. that time would be after the order and then another six months to wait after that.  That's when she would legally be able to request her child services file from Freedom of Information, something L. found strange C. never questioned her on.  L. had her previous file from there and considering who C. worked for L. assumed her accessing the file before would have been a red flag but ultimately she was thankful C. never mentioned it.  L. had to have her secrets and knowing she would find out just what C. put on paper during the six month order became her reason for continual silence and acceptance of the constant negative from C. and child services.   It never dawned on L. to open her old trunk and pull out her old file from child services and read it during those months with C.  Although L. spent those months feeling uncomfortable and uneasy whenever C. contacted her, she pushed those feelings down inside and failed to see the connection between her past and those months with C.  That would come later!

  They all did their part with the court order which made saying farewell to C. all the more exciting and for L. it also became a release of all her pent up emotions and feelings.  The entire family took some time after C. closed their file to adjust to their freedom from appointments, parenting courses and C.'s constant interference but as L. came to realize, that freedom came with a price.  C. blamed L.'s oldest for everything negative that happened leaving the adolescent with many unanswered questions and some pretty powerful feelings.  Feelings L. could only support and understand as they were not her feelings and there was two more kids with strong feelings about their six months with C. requiring L.'s understanding back then. L. knew, in time, she would put the time with C. behind her but she didn't know if her children could or would.  They would need to forget and eventually forgive C. as well as those local folks who had lied to child services and C. but L. knew that would be easier said than done.  She would forgive C. and the locals some day just not back then was L.'s choice since she still had to wait another six months for her file.

  Time moved forward and days became weeks and weeks gave way to months.  L.'s children were all attending public school, including her youngest as per the promise to herself and the little one.  The oldest made the honor roll at school and continued on with the school band playing the clarinet.  L. kept busy with her family, selling her homemade hats and self-published cook books, things she enjoyed doing.  Life was by no means perfect for L. and her children at that time but that was okay as it made L. stronger and a more understanding parent. 

  The six month wait to access her child services' file flew by quickly for L. during that year and she wasted not a single day over the six month mark filing her request for the file.  L. sent her forms off to the Freedom of Information Office and within a few weeks had confirmation that the file was ready for her to pick up.  She took a lot of negative crap from C. and as L. drove to the child services office to retrieve her file she felt both excited and nervous.  She'd soon have paper work explaining to her the reasons for C.'s and child services involvement with her family and L. couldn't wait to grab the file and return home to read it.  L. intended to read the file and paperwork as soon as she got home unlike the previous file seven years back when L. waited weeks before cracking that file open.

  Later that evening when her kids were all asleep in their beds L. retreated to her bedroom where she stashed the child services file she had picked up earlier.  L. started off slow beginning her reading with C.'s comprehensive risk assessment soaking in every word and sentence not once but twice and as the words sunk in L. became completely engrossed in in the paper work in front of her.  She reread the risk assessment a third time before it dawned on her!  She's seen the exact same words and statements once before, a long time before that night and it sent a shiver down L.'s back when she realized where she'd seen the words C. wrote.

 

     It took L. several more evenings alone in her bedroom, while her family slept, to completely read the newest file from child services and all the notes C. had written and signed her name to.  Once L. finished reading that paperwork she did something she didn't think to do during C.'s involvement and she dug her previous file out of her trunk and placed it beside the newest one she had been reading.  In that moment in time as she starred down at the two piles of paperwork L. prayed for guidance because she knew exactly what C. had done!  She opened the old file to the pages she had been reading from C.'s file and there it was.  Just as she feared, the exact words, the same demeaning statements, everything on the pages of the older file were on the pages of the file C. had compiled and it hurt L. deeply.  The only difference L. noticed between the two files was the dates and who signed them which only saddened her more back then.

  L. put the paperwork away and climbed into bed for the night vowing to continue with the files the next night when all the kids were asleep.  She tossed and turned the rest of the night but found herself up at the usual time ready to enjoy the day.  L. made her coffee, prepared breakfast for the kids and had them all off to catch the school bus by seven forty-five.  L. enjoyed her morning coffee before she started her morning chores of laundry, dishes and dusting.  The house work took no time at all so L. whipped up a loaf of homemade bread and a batch of peanut butter cookies and even had time to herself before the children were due home.

  L.'s days were for her family and their needs which kept her busy enough she didn't dwell on what awaited her once the children were all asleep.  L. managed to keep her thoughts on her family and off the negative paperwork during the day but once the children were in bed it was game on!  She slowly read both sets of paperwork during the evenings keeping track of every line, every statement, every single word C. stole from the old file and placed in her child services file.  It became a dauntless task for L. reading the hateful degrading words contained in the files and she often cried herself to sleep during those particular nights.

  L. read the false reports some of the locals had called C. about and although the names were blacked out for legal reasons L. already knew who those folks were.  L. did not consider the locals to be at fault for what C. did and decided early on to just forget about the ones who lied to C.  L. was more concerned about the crap C. had pulled and chose to concentrate on child services and C. and not locals who she felt needed help themselves.  There was a lot of information to process and it became clear to L. that she'd have to lodge a formal complaint against C. and child services as she finished reading both files for the sixth time'

  The more L. reread those files the more she discovered about C. and none of it showed her a child service worker who did their job the correct way.  L. learned C. had received the false reports but never interviewed the people who made those false claims against her.  She figured out C. not only refused to talk to those locals but C. also neglected to interview the people in L.'s life such as L.'s landlady, who wrote a letter in support of L.  C. merely copied from the seven year old file, word for word, took L. to court without allowing L. the chance to defend herself and made L.'s life and her kids lives harder than it should have been.  C. even had the nerve to spy on L. and her kids and three months after the order was up she was spotted parked below L.'s home, tucked away under a tree hoping not to be seen.  Just thinking about C. and what she had been forced to relive upset L. very much but L. was determined to do something about it so maybe no other parent would have to suffer at the hands of the likes of T., A. and C. or child services.

  Realizing a formal complaint would take some research L. continued to work on it when the kids weren't around, making phone calls when they were in school and filling out the complaint forms during the evenings alone in her bedroom.  L. found out she'd have to send her complaint to the child services office where C. worked before she could send it further up the line, to the top.  Fearing once again that she would be ignored L. came up with a plan to follow proper protocol insuring her complaint reached the top the same time it reached the bottom.  T. and A. had gotten away with their abuse of L. and as hard as L. fought to put that part of her life behind C. brought it all tumbling back and L. became concerned C. too would get away with what she had done.

  L. hoped her plan to mail out three complaints at the same time would in able her to bypass the start at the bottom rule especially since she technically was starting at the bottom with the complaint she just wasn't stopping there!  L. made three copies of her complaint forms and mailed all three out on the same day.  One went to the child services office where C. worked, one went to the resolution department and the final copy was sent to the complaints resolution officer, whom L. believed was at the top of complaints against child services.  L. sent off her forms and instead of dwelling on C. and the negative she turned her attentions to earning extra money for her family and landed a casual job cleaning a B&B.  The job took only a couple of hours a day which worked out perfectly for L. as she still had a family to care for.  Keeping busy with the new job, parenting and continuing with her hats and cookbook sales time for L. passed quickly during that period and it wasn't long before she received a phone call from a complaints and resolution officer for child services.

  The officer spoke calmly and with respect when he talked to L. and after a brief explanation of how the process would work he encouraged L. to tell her side of the story.  They spoke about C. and the impact the six month order had on L., her children and how he could help L.  It was a lot to understand and take in back then but L.'s determination kept her on point and when the officer asked her what she thought should happen with C.  L. didn't hesitate to tell him.  In no uncertain terms L. let him know what she thought and the first thing she brought up was C. still having her job with child services when clearly she sucked at the job!  L. understood how things worked for the organization of child services and she accepted the fact she could never win a battle with them but allowing one of their workers do do what C. had done and get away with it, that, L. could not do.

  L. continued to ask the officer if they could stop C. from parking below their house and spying on or following her children around when they were in the community something he knew nothing about.  L. herself was unaware of C.'s behaviors until one of her oldest friend spoke up after catching C. parked below the house watching them.  L. thought that might be considered stocking and wanted it stopped before it caused any more emotional damage to her children.  After completing her list of requests for the officer she was promised a call back within the week at which time the officer would have completed his investigation and he'd let L. know his decisions at that time.

  L. did not mind waiting for that phone call.  She had started something she had no intention of backing down from and her plan was to see it through until the very end.  Her children and their happiness far out weighed any threats or abuse C., T. or A. and child services could ever throw at her and L. remained firmly committed to stopping C. from repeating her behaviors on other unsuspecting parents.  L. knew she was not perfect and she did make mistakes but unlike the child services workers she met, L. admitted her mistakes, apologized and moved on.  L. never once denied the truth. Not during T. and A.'s time and not with C. either and to discover just how twisted child services' workers could be cut L. deeply.  Deep into the very core of her being is where she felt the aftermath of her time with C. and those who had gone before C.  

  A few weeks after the initial call from the complaints officer L. received a second call letting her know that all of her requests were approved with one added suggestion.  The officer requested L. sit down with a child services' district supervisor and comb through the paperwork correcting all the misleading, false, negative and damaging information found with in those files.  L. really didn't think wasting her time with yet another child services employee to be beneficial but the complaints officer felt it would so she agreed to at least try. 

  Once L. agreed to meet with the district supervisor an appointment was arranged for the following Friday at eleven a.m..  The morning of her first of three months worth of meetings L. felt nervous and sick to her stomach but that didn't stop her from attending the appointment.  She arrived at the child services office a few minutes ahead of time and after checking in with reception L. made herself comfortable in the waiting room.  Not long after she got seated the supervisor  appeared and introduced himself before leading L. to a conference room.  Once they were seated the supervisor, J., offered L. a coffee which she gladly accepted. As she pulled her paperwork from the bag she had brought and set it down on the conference table L. took a quick look around the room they were in.  J. had a stack of papers in front of his seat, there was a box of tissues on the table as well as a couple of water bottles otherwise the room was bare.

  After a brief discussion on what L. hoped to accomplish during their meetings and what J.'s roll in the process would be the two of them began what L. hoped would be the final times she would ever have to deal with that organization and the people who worked there.  They began with the comprehensive risk assessment, L. read out loud the older one while J. read the newer one and as they did J. saw how C. did nothing more than copy the old assessment into the one she prepared changing the dates and signing her name.  L. became teary as the two adults read that thirty page risk assessment from both files and just when she thought she couldn't go any further that day J. suggested they stop and resume the following Friday.

 L.  thanked him for understanding her feelings and before she left L. questioned J. about C. spying and following her children around curious as to whether or not that would stop.  J. assured her C. would not be harassing her or her children from that day forward, he agreed to put that in writing and even though he made the excuse C. had parked below their house merely to do paperwork J. promised a written letter would confirm C. would no longer harass the family.  The two said their goodbyes, the following weeks appointment was set and L. couldn't wait to get out of J.'s office and back home.

  At the beginning of their second appointment J. gave L. the opportunity to voice her ideas of what she thought the consequences should be for C. and as L. considered replying to his question her intellect squished her feelings and L. declined to express an opinion.  L. did however suggest to J. that the employer, the boss, might want to keep better tabs on their child care workers especially those like C.  L. needed to focus on the task in front of her and J.  and for L., she knew nothing could change what C. had put her and her family through for those six months as she turned their attentions to the papers in front of them and began reading hers'. 

  The more the two read the more J. realized just how messed up C. must have been to simply copy the old file from the late nineties into her current file without thinking she could get caught.  They read a few more pages both pausing each time J. asked L. a question about the entries.  It became a slow process as J. insisted each negative, misleading and completely false statement had to be replaced with the facts, the truth and positive statements only.  L. understood the concept J. was attempting but words on paper had already done so much damage to her name and her family how could she possibly believe new words would fix that were her quiet thoughts during that second meeting.

  She remained focused on the horribly demeaning words on the papers in front of her but she couldn't help wonder why there had been no positive statements in C.'s file.  After all, her children, along with herself had many wonderful accomplishments over the seven years without child care workers destroying everything and interfering with their lives.  Mentioning her concerns to J. he too questioned the lack of positive in either of the files making a note to add the families accomplishments to the new paperwork before he suggested the two take a quick break and stretch their legs.  L. thankful for a moment to step out side, lit a smoke and enjoying the crisp air of that October day smoked half before butting it and returning to the paperwork and J.

  Back in the room with J. the two continued reading and unknown to J. L. watched him while pondering silently how the man seated across from her could sign off on C.'s, his employee, paperwork without question.  Yet there she was, playing the understanding client, the person who knew J. had played a roll in her six month court order, he was after all C.'s boss.  Her supervisor!  L. refused to show J. any sign of frustration or anger and politely answered every questioned he asked the best way she could only tearing up a couple of times during that second appointment.  When the appointment ended L.  thanked J. for his time, confirmed the next weeks appointment and left that office as quickly as she could eager to put the distance between her and J.

  At home L. put aside the meeting and concentrated on getting some baking done before her children returned from school.  Cookies, muffins and a quick loaf of bread took the rest of her afternoon helping L. forget her encounter that morning with J.  She had the family supper meal in the oven and ready for cooking by the time the first of her three came through the door eager to tell her all about their day.  A distraction she welcomed L. thought as she listened intently to her youngest go on about the school day and the bus ride home.  Cutting the youngest off and promising to talk later  L. set a plate of fresh baked cookies and three glasses of milk on the kitchen table just as her older two came through the front door.

  Later, once everyone was settled for the evening L. decided she would compile a folder of all her kids awards, certificates and anything positive she could find and she would show J. during their next appointment.  L. hoped he could explain why C. excluded all the positive from the papers she filled out and signed but mostly L. wanted him to know that her children had many achievements between them and C. should have written those positives in the file instead of attacking L.'s oldest and blaming the teenager for some of the families problems.  C. spent too much time picking on her oldest and belittling L. too even do the job she'd been hired for which didn't shock L. then as she had already met T. and A. years prior and expected the same from C., who didn't disappoint.